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Just another day

Yesterday started off pretty good. I went for a walk with some
girlfriends and all of their babies. It was hard when people would
stop to say something to us because there were 4 of us and 3
strollers. I wanted my baby and my stroller. We had a fun time and
got a good work out. I decided to try and stay out of the house so I
went to Britney's for lunch. Things went spiraling out of control as
I was sitting there with she and Jason. I totally lost it. I became
so angry and just wanted to go home and be by myself. I wasn't angry
at them or anything they said I was just angry. I cried all the way
to my house and as soon as I walked through the doors I started
screaming. I screamed so loud I am sure the neighbors heard. I felt
like I was going crazy. All these thoughts were going through my
head. How in the world am I going to move forward? How am I ever
going to get anything done? What about my business? How will I ever
be happy again? Why was I sitting here without my baby? I was so
mad. It just isn't fair! I took my usual hot bath to calm myself
down and crawled into bed. I was exhausted!

Taylor came home early to check on me. Britney must have called him
to tell him I was having another bad day. He is such an amazing
husband. He crawled into bed and snuggled up to me. Having him close
calms my heart and emotions. I truly do not know what I would do
without him.

After this past weekend and it being Mamie's month anniversary I felt
like I had relapsed. I contacted one of the girls I meet in our grief
class that lost her baby Maddie 5 years ago. I can't even begin to
tell you what all I wrote in that email. I was typing so fast. I
just needed to talk to someone that has had this same kind of loss and
pain. It's hard because everyone has gone back to their normal daily
lives and here we are still stuck here in this nightmare. She wrote
back a long email that made me feel so much better. She said for a
long time she would have a few okay days and then would wake up the
next day feeling that pain just like the day the nurse said there was
no heartbeat. That is totally how I have been feeling. Everything
she wrote I have been feeling or felt. Even though I feel so alone
right now I know that I am not.

Casey a good friend of mine from high school came by yesterday
afternoon to bring us dinner. It was so nice to sit down and talk to
him. He and his wife are having their first baby in about a month and
I am so happy for them.

The day ended better when a few girls came over to watch the last
bachelorette. We all piled in the den and jabbered about who we
thought she was going to pick and how silly the show was. It's was
nice to step out of reality for a little while.

I feel like today might be one of those better days. I really hope it
is!

- Sarah

Comments

  1. I hope today is proving to be a little better so far. Love you so much...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sarah, I just started reading your blog and as I read your post today It brought tears to my eyes and memories came flooding back. I lost my daughter 12 years ago 3 weeks after she was born. I felt like the words you were saying were my thoughts after I had lost her. I felt like my world stood still and everyone around me went on and forgot about her. I wanted them to miss her the way I did. I feel your grief and just wanted you to know I am praying for you everyday and how sorry I am that you have to endure this pain. Im so happy you have such a wonderful support of friends...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just found your blog tonight and my heart is breaking for you. I truly cannot imagine the things you must be feeling. Please know you are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm very sad for you. My baby was an adult when he died. Rose Kennedy said that people tell you that time heals. She said that what really happens is, you form scars that are easily picked open. With time, the scars are tougher, but they're always there.

    Eventually, things will be different than they are now. I'm not promising 'better' but different. In time, Mamie will not be the first word screaming in your head every time you wake, but you'll still think of her often. She's precious.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sarah,

    Just wanted you to know that I love you and am lifting you up.

    XXOO, Mary-Margaret

    ReplyDelete

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