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Monday, August 31, 2009

Blood Work is Back

Last Thursday I got a call from Dr. Sellers with my lab results. He
told us that all the blood work came back negative except that my
MTHFR enzymes (everyone has 2 and both of mine) were abnormal. All of
this is so over my head and I really don't know what to think... He
said that this puts me at a higher risk for blood clots, heart disease
and stroke. He asked me to come back in and give more blood so they
could check my homocysteine levels. He said if my levels are normal
I will probably be put on some supplements and if they came back high
I will have to see a specialist. Hearing this news really put a rage
of emotions through my body. I didn't understand why this wasn't seen
in the blood work that I had when I was pregnant.... If we had of
known Mamie might have been here with us right now. I don't know
really what I wanted to hear. We kept ourselves busy this weekend
working on Mamie's garden. I just got a call saying that my
homocysteine levels were normal. I guess that is a good thing?? I
really don't know...

- Sarah

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Mamie's Nameplate

Last week family and some friends met Taylor and I at St. Vincent's for Mamie's nameplate dedication.  Thank you to the women's bible study group for doing this for us.  We are so blessed to have so many caring and wonderful people in our lives. The Chaplain from the hospital came and blessed the nameplate after Taylor and I placed it on the wall.  We asked Lynette, our bereavement nurse, to read the words to "Glory Baby".  It was so special.... We miss our Mamie so much.  Here are some pictures that some friends took.  On our way home that night the sun was setting behind the clouds.  The sky was beautiful and pink.  I decided to get out and take some pictures.  I ended up down at the lake in our neighborhood.  The water was like glass that night.  It was so peaceful... I knew Mamie was there with me.  I ended up sitting one the bench for about an hour.
Here are the words to another beautiful song someone sent me by the group Mercy Me.  
"Jesus Bring the Rain"
 I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that  I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings  You glory And I know there'll  be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to  praise You Jesus, bring the rain I am yours regardless of the clouds that may  loom above because you are much greater than  my pain you who made a way for me suffering  your destiny so tell me whats a little rain  [1st Chorus] Holy, holy, holy Holy, holy, holy is the lord God almighty is the lord God almighty I'm forever singing  [2nd Chorus 2x] everybody singing  Holy holy holy you are holy  you are holy 
We love you Mamie.
  - Sarah

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

PRECIOUS CHILD

I wanted to share this song that someone sent me yesterday. Thanks
Samantha.
- Sarah

"Precious Child"
Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Goo

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And someday I will again soon!"

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

2 Months

Today I started the morning off having breakfast with Britney and
Silas. We sat at Silas' little table along with his monkey's and Momo
(aka Elmo). It has been another amazingly beautiful mornings so we
went on a long walk around the neighborhood after breakfast. It
really seems to help my day when I get out for a walk and some
exercise in the mornings.

Britney and I just got back from the cemetary. We went to visit
Mamie's grave. Britney made the sweetest wreath to place there until
we get a marker. Thanks Brit for everything you have done. You are
such a wonderful big sis. I don't think I could have made it through
half the days without you.

- Sarah

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Moving Forward

Yesterday was a day we have been waiting 8 weeks for.  Having more blood work was not something I have been looking forward too but it is bringing us one more step closer some kind of closure on Mamie's death.  I still keep asking myself why this happened.  Did I do something wrong?  Was I just not paying attention............  Walking back into the clinic was harder than the last time we went which was around 2 weeks after Mamie was born.  That day I was such a zombie and totally numb to everything.   I wasn't that way yesterday.  I was totally aware of where I was and what was going on around me.   I feel like everyone that walked past me was pregnant and happy.  I got pretty anxious sitting in the room waiting for Dr. Sellers.  The more we waiting the more anxious I got. That horrible day started replaying in my mind.  It was that very table I sat and waited to hear my sweet babies heart beat.  Taylor could tell I might be on the edge of busting into tears.  He began talking to me about random stuff to get my mind off of it.  It was so good to see Dr. Sellers and Barbara.  They are like family to us now.  The compassion that they show is so comforting to Taylor and I.  Everything went fine and I had all of my blood work done which wasn't that bad.  I am really not sure when the results will be back but I hope sooner than later.  We are so ready to get the past us and maybe have some hope for the future.
I have hit the ground running with work.  I think it has been good for me to get back to what I love doing.  People have asked me if it is hard to photograph babies.  I can't say that it doesn't make me sad but capturing those precious moments for a family also makes me so happy. Being behind the camera is what I am supposed to do.   I thank the Lord everyday for being with me and giving me that strength.
We started working on the front yard this past weekend.  Since we have so many trees we decided to make the whole front a memorial garden in honor of Mamie.  This is a project that everyone has wanted to take a part in.  We had 3 dump trucks of dirt and 2 trucks of mulch delivered on Friday.  Talk about a lot of shoveling.  Having a project makes us feel good and is giving us something to look forward to.  Mom and I hit up the nurseries and started pricing plants.  We ended up getting a good start at Home Depot.  My aunt dug up tons of hostas from her yard which we used to line the walk way.  We have been given gift cards to nurseries around town and I can't wait to go buy more plants.  Saturday afternoon when we finished up for the day we all stood at the front and one by one we all began cry.  This is a dedication to Mamie and it makes me so happy to look at it.  But at the same time I started crying because I know she will never get to play in it.  Through out the day I would see a beautiful butterfly with blue and yellow tips.  I believe Mamie's presence was with us as we planted her garden.  Here is a picture I took with my phone.  There will be more to come.
 
I guess I have never really believed in signs but now I do more than ever since Mamie's death. Just the other night Alyson, Stuart, Taylor and I were sitting out on the deck talking.  All of a sudden we saw huge white wings flying in and an owl landed on a tree branch right beside us. She turned her and looked at us for a long time and then she flew way.  It was amazing.  I have never seen an owl other than in the zoo and I don't think I have ever seen one that close. Yesterday after we finished with the doctor Taylor and I went to Subway.  When we came out there a little prize on the front of his car.  It was a blue sea monkey set and attached to the top of the wrapping was a free Tropical Smoothie card...... Taylor and I just looked at each other and then started looking around at all the other cars.  We were the only car that got one.  We both smiles and I said maybe this was a little way of Mamie letting us know what she is here with us. Sending her Momma a much loved smoothie which is all I  could eat for about 2 weeks after she died and sending her cousin Silas a toy.  You know this might all sound weird but I don't care.  All these things make me feel better and make me smile. 

Friday, August 14, 2009

Thank you

Hi All,

It is Britney here.  I thought I should take a minute to let you all know how much we appreciate all of the love, support, prayers, flowers, songs, food, coffee, gift cards, donations, gifts and notes that we have received since we lots our precious Mamie.  We would never want to overlook anyone in our "thank you's" and we are worried we might.  We are overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness you all have expressed.  Please know that we are so blessed to have your support.  God is good.

-Sarah, Taylor and Family

Friday, August 7, 2009

Late Night

We had a really good night. Taylor came home and started working on the front yard while I got dinner ready. He kept yelling for me to come out to see all the turtles he was finding. We saw a baby turtle and he was high tailing it for cover. I have never seen a turtle move that fast. He was so cute. We invited my parents over for dinner and they arrived about the same time Alyson did. Just minutes after the timer went off on the oven. I have never timed dinner so perfectly. After dinner we all set out on the deck. After my parents went home Alyson and I decided to stay outside and keep talking. She is such an amazing person and is like a sister to me. We have known each other since 7th grade and the day we meet I knew we would be life long friends. While we were talking Taylor came out to see if I had checked my email lately. Our bereavement support group "Journey" is this Sunday. We had received an email of reminder and to let us know that there was a new couple that just had a stillborn................................. I am sitting here now because I can't sleep. My heart is hurting so bad. I know exactly what they are feeling. I don't even know them and I want to go to the hospital right now to hug them and cry with them. I feel sick to my stomach knowing the pain that they are feeling right now. Why does this happen? Why can't we have our babies? It just isn't fair! All I can do is pray....

Thursday, August 6, 2009

It's been 6 weeks

It has been a while since I have blogged. Not much has gone on around  here. Still taking it one step at a time. Taylor and I headed over  to Hot Springs last Friday for a mini vacation. It was his 29th  birthday. We needed to get away for a while. We spent time with  Taylor's family as well as some good friends while we were there. We  got back yesterday and we couldn't wait to get home to see the pups.  Gus was so excited I don't think I have ever seen him shake his whole  body that fast. Gracie on the other hand just wondered up to us and  stood there. I think she might have wagged her nub a little. She  cracks me up. I know she missed us. She just doesn't ever show any  kind of excitement unless there is bread involved. We also came home  to more cards which was so nice to see. Then there was a little gift  sack sitting on the counter. It was a necklace from a friend of mine  from high school. On the necklace is a St. Philomena and after  reading Anna's letter I found out Philomena is the saint of infants.  I added it to the necklace that I have been wearing every day that has  Mamie's name with a pearl as well as the gold baby ring my family gave  me.

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks.  It seems just like yesterday that our precious Mamie was born. I went to Roselawn this afternoon to sit by her grave.  We haven't bought a marker for her grave yet so there is just a rock there with the flowers that we keep replacing. Someone had placed some other flowers there beside ours that looked like they were sunflowers.  I couldn't really tell because they had been beaten up by all the rain we have had.  It was nice to see that someone else had been out there.  I don't find myself wanting to go to her grave very often because I know she is not there.  It is just where her body was buried.  She is in Heaven now with our Lord.  I find more comfort here at our house out on the deck where it is quite.  Taylor and I had decided to redo our front yard before Mamie came. We decided to go forward with our plans and I believe the whole front yard will be dedicated to her :) It is going to be a beautiful shady garden after we are finished and I can't wait.  I know it is going to be beautiful and every time I am out there or even look out the window I will think of her. Alyson, one of my very best friends, is coming into town to stay with us this weekend.  I can't wait for her to get here.  It has been only a few weeks since she was last here but it seems like forever. Thanks for your continued prayers and acts of kindness. -Sarah