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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Waiting

It is the end of April and I really can't believe how fast the months have passed us by. From what I told you in an earlier post Taylor and I have been given the okay to try for another baby. Month after month has been really hard when it just doesn't happen. I keep telling myself that God has a plan for us. I believe that he will bless us with another baby but I know it will be on his time not mine. I am still going to my weekly acupuncture which I absolutely love. She calms me. We have also started a new journey. Last month we were sent to the fertility doctor. They are hoping to get my body on a normal cycle which I have never had in my life. The beginning process was pretty emotional for me. I just didn't understand why I was having to go through more testing. We know we can get pregnant. My body just needed a little help. The whole experience is not what I expected. The clinic is pretty cold and sterile. I am not saying that they aren't nice it is just different. I feel like I am just another number there. I have been put on a low dose of clomid. I have been very nervous about the drug. I'm not big on taking medicine in the first place and I have heard how it can make you feel crazy. Last month was not bad at all. I really felt fine. I mean I am emotional already thinking of Mamie but I didn't notice an increase of sad emotions. We are trucking along and keeping our faith. I got my devotional this morning and I wanted to share it with you all.
The title was "Don't Give Up"

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised” (Hebrews 10: 35-36, NIV).

Do you sometimes get discouraged? You’ve worked and prayed for so long and nothing much seems to be happening. Frankly, you’re fed up with waiting. I know the feeling. One day as I was looking at a promise highlighted in my Bible, I grumbled, “Lord Jesus, You gave me that promise years ago and nothing has happened yet.”

Then a cheerful thought came to me, you’re that much closer to the answer then.

All God’s heroes experienced long waiting periods. Abraham went through thirteen years of silence before the fulfillment of a promise from God. His son Isaac waited twenty years for Rebecca to have children. Moses’ vision of delivering his people from Egyptian bondage lay buried forty years in the desert. And I could go on. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Wait periods give us an opportunity to grow our faith.

Faith knows of a certainty that God has His moment and in that precise given time everything yields to his will.

If faith comes to a closed gate, she is not disheartened; faith waits without until God touches the lock and it flies open.

Faith knows some Jericho’s need to be compassed about seven times before the victory comes. Kathryn Kuhlman

The race is not always to the swift but to those who keep running. They are the ones who receive the prize.

Dear God, give me the strength and the faith to persevere to the end. Amen.

Reading this devotional this morning made me realize that my faith is only growing stronger as we wait. God does hears our prayers and in time he will answer.

-Sarah

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Remembering Mamie- 10mths

Well today hasn't been the best of days. I guess I could say the past couple of days have been pretty hard for both Taylor and I. We miss Mamie so much. Everyday seems to go by and we are just stuck here in this sadness. The weather has been so nice and I keep thinking back to this time last year. I was really popping out and we were busy working on her nursery. I pulled out one of my spring purses the other day and found some pink fabric that I had brought home to look at. It just made my stomach turn. Today all I can do is think about why us? Why can't we be happy here with our 10month old. Why we couldn't be doing our usual Sunday afternoon errands with our little one strapped in the backseat. Instead today it was just Taylor and I riding around with our windows rolled down trying to enjoy the day but feeling totally empty inside because the biggest part of our lives is missing. We went down to the cemetery to visit her grave. We were both surprised to see that someone had brought her a potted rose. Taylor and I wondered around there cemetery for about an hour looking at tombstones. We haven't decided on a marker for Mamie yet but hope to do that very soon.
It has been really nice having this day just with Taylor. We spent most of the morning being quiet sitting on our deck. I can tell he is having a rough day. Taylor as you all know is a big talker and very few words have come out of his mouth today.
I want to tell you all that we really appreciate all of your continued prayers. This is a hard road that we will be traveling down for the rest of our lives. Moving on is something we will never do. You never get over losing a child you just learn to live with the pain. You search hard to find a new normal and that is what we are doing.
Today we remember Mamie who we love and miss dearly. We know she is having the best time in heaven and that does make me happy.
- Sarah

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Another sleeping angel

Yesterday started out really great. I was out enjoying my morning quiet time and coffee on the deck when I got a call from Lynette my bereavement nurse. A girl that I met last week to do some maternity pictures had gone into labor. You see, Lynette called me a few weeks back to ask me if I would be willing to document the end of this mothers pregnancy. She had just found out that her precious baby had trisomy 13. When we met for the first time we totally hit it off. There is a bond so powerful between mothers that have gone through or are going through losing their child. We captured the most beautiful maternity pictures. We talked for ever after we were finished about everything. She and her husband were hit in the heart by this news at around 30 weeks when she went in for her baby views. Her doctor had missed all the signs that there was something wrong. They were very hopeful that their baby would make it through the pregnancy and be delivered alive so that they could spend even an hour with him. I have heard of people being told to just terminate their pregnancy when they find out their baby has trisomy 13 or 18. That's just crazy to me. It's crazy to think that a doctor would even bring that up. There are so many that make it through the pregnancy and live for a couple of day if not more. To have that time with your baby.... ah why would you want to not take that chance. I am sure most of you all have heard of 99 Balloons : Celebrating the Life of Eliot Mooney but if you haven't go check it out. It is the most touching documentary I have ever seen. Be sure to have you a box of kleenex on hand.
I got to the hospital yesterday around 10am. I have been back to St. Vincent's numerous times since I delivered Mamie but never back in one of the delivery rooms. I prayed the whole way to the hospital, walking from the parking deck and down the hall to meet Lynette. She was standing there waiting for me when I rounded the corner to head into labor and delivery. I was extremely calm and was but was very anxious to see the mom. When we headed down to her room I asked Lynette if the room was set up the same way mine was. Thankfully it was opposite which I think helped a lot. As the door opened all of the memories came flooding back. The mom was laying in the bed while the tons of family members were sprinkled around the room. I introduced myself and began taking pictures. I am so happy the mom wanted this done. She and her husband will cherish these photos forever. At around 11 or so everyone was sent to the quiet room (which is a special room for families that are delivering a baby that has already passed or might pass soon after birth). It was time for baby to come. She pushed for about an hour and a half. She was so strong. Their baby was born around 12:20 a sleeping angel weighing a little over 3lbs. It was extremely emotional. I just isn't fair. The doctor wrapped him up and handed his limp little body over to his mother. This is the moment that every mom especially first mom looks forward to. Seeing and holding their precious baby for the first time. Hearing them cry and try to open their eyes. She didn't get to hear him cry and his eyes never saw the light of day. It broke my heart. It just isn't fair.
I had shared with her all the special things we did and have from our experience. I told her how I wished we had a pottery plate to with Mamie's hands and feet prints on it. She loved the idea. She was going to have all of the staff and family that were there sign the plate. I thought that was a wonderful idea.
I stayed at the hospital till around 3:30 taking every picture I could get. When I left I felt drained, overwhelmed and extremely sad. It made me miss Mamie even more and I didn't even think that was even possible. I kept replaying the whole day in my head as I drove home. I knew exactly how she was feeling and that hurts me. No one should have to feel that pain.
I came in and crashed on the couch. I decided I would catch up on my Ugly Betty. It helped me step out of this world for a few hours. When Taylor got home he knew something was wrong. I am so thankful for him. He's such an amazing husband. He let me talk it out and sat there listening with sad eyes. I don't know what I would do without him.
I am sorry to give you guys a sad story today. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I sit here this morning back out on the deck and wonder what God had in store for me today. Please say a special prayer for this family. I am sure she is being released from the hospital today. Going home without your baby is extremely hard and reality really starts to set in when you step through your front door.
- Sarah

Monday, April 12, 2010

Mamie's Garden

Happy Monday to you all. Wow is it a beautiful morning here in Arkansas. I am enjoying my hot cup of coffee on the deck this morning as I write this post. The birds are chirping so loud and I think today is going to be a good day. Spring is such an amazing time. We go through so many months where everything is brown and dead and then it seems like right in front of your eyes you can see the trees turning green and the plant budding out. Mamie's garden is bursting with blooms. The hot pink azaleas were the first to show their colors. Mom and Brit planted 200 pink tulip bulbs last fall while I was working a wedding. It has been such a surprise watching them pop up all around the walkway and by Mamie's bench. Everyday Taylor and I walk out to see what else is about to bloom. It is exciting to us to see new life in the garden. There are bee's buzzing around gathering nectar and we have already seen 2 butterflies fluttering around. The garden has been our little baby from planting , watering and now taking care of them. It brings us hope that good things are in the future for us. We feel extremely close to our sweet Mamie while working, sitting or whatever we might be doing in the garden. It is her garden :) I took some pictures about a week or so ago and really need to take more because so much has changed already. The light pink azaleas have buds all over them. I think they might bloom by the end of the week. My grandparents would be so proud. Mom (my grandmother) always had the most beautiful flowers. I think that is where I get my love for gardening. Thanks Mom :) I hope you all can soak in this beautiful morning and be thankful for all that God has given us. - Sarah
This wind chime was given to us from some of Taylor's parents friends in Dumas. The sound it makes grabs every one's attention when they come by the house. The sound is so peaceful.
This is a humming bird feeder Alyson gave us for the garden. Just waiting for my little friends to get here. :)

Friday, April 9, 2010

Happy Friday

I am so glad it is Friday. Taylor and I are going to meet some of our good friends over at the races tomorrow for derby weekend and I can't wait. We have been twice this year and really haven't done very well. I think tomorrow is our day :) I posted a while back about signs. Do you all remember the night I talked about when Taylor, Alyson, Stuart and I were sitting out on the deck when a huge owl landed right beside us on a tree limb. It was the most amazing thing. She was beautiful. Taylor did some googling and we think she is a barn owl. Well I have gotten back to my morning walks around our neighborhood. Just the other day my neighbor (who lost her mother to cancer a few months after Mamie died) and I were walking around the lake. All of a sudden in the woods to our right we saw a bird with HUGE wings swoop down and pick something up and fly back up to a tree. YALL! It was that owl. I mean it might not have been that exact owl that came to our house but it was a beautiful barn owl. Lauren and I stopped walking and watched her in amazement. I didn't even think owls came out during the day. It was super cool and I believe it was another sign that was sent to the both of us. I didn't take these pictures. I pulled them off the Internet so you guys could see :) I know you all have seen falling stars. They are so beautiful and don't happen very often. This past fall Taylor and I were in Fayetteville for a Razorback game and visiting friends. We had all gone to dinner and decided to stop by an old pool hall we use to hang out at when we were in college. After losing to the guys in pool Jayna and I stepped outside to visit and breath in the fresh fall air. It was crystal clear night. Jayna and I were talking about Mamie and Owen and what great friends they would have been if she were here. I was getting a little emotional when something in the sky grabbed our attention and we both looked up. It was a falling star. It was SO bright and it didn't shoot across the sky but fell. We both looked at each other and began crying. It was spectacular and I am glad Jayna and I got to experience that together. Just a few weeks later I was driving over the hill into our neighborhood. In this certain spot it is pretty clear and the sky seems enormous. As I topped the hill I saw my second falling star. It was brilliant and fell down from the sky just like the one we had seen just a few weeks before. My third falling star sighting was just a few weeks ago. We were having dinner outside with Taylor's brother and his wife along with some other friends. Ashleigh (my sister-in-law) and I were the only ones to see it. All I could do was smile. Mamie is sending her Momma signs that she is okay and I love it. It warms my heart. I believe there are signs all around us. We just have to slow down in our busy lives and look around. Another picture pulled of the Internet :) Much love to you all -Sarah

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Busy Week

These past couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur. Besides being extremely busy with work last week was also a very emotional one. Monday is where the craziness began. NILMDTS sends out a mass text whenever they have been called in for a photographer. That is when the text began coming in and continued everyday last week with another loss of a baby. It was overwhelming and just made my heart ache. Lynette has told me that there are peak times when this happens and Spring is one of those. There are just so many people due around this time. I was able to go and photograph my previous clients cousin sweet baby boy on Tuesday. This is my second session but my first full term baby. He was so beautiful. Dark hair with curls and the most precious face. I had to get myself in the zone to document all his little features that will last this family a life time. I think the hardest part was being there with this lifeless little body that was perfect in every way while just in the other room there were about 10 newborn babies being taken care of in the nursery. I kept hearing one crying and would peek in to see. It just didn't seem fare. Why are some babies here only for a short time before they meet their maker? Having faith in God and knowing that you will see your little angels again is the only way you can get through it. When we took the baby in with the family it was really hard. I felt like I was reliving it all over again. Every situation is different and everyone handles it differently but the whole scene was the same. People keep telling me how brave and strong I am to be able to do this after everything we have been through. I can't take credit for that. God has given me that strength. I feel His presence more than ever. There is a song that I am totally obsessed with by Mercy Me called "Bring the Rain". I have it as my alarm in the morning. What better way to wake up than to a praise song. Here are the lyrics, I can count a million times People asking me how I Can praise You with all that I've gone through The question just amazes me Can circumstances possibly Change who I forever am in You Maybe since my life was changed Long before these rainy days It's never really ever crossed my mind To turn my back on you, oh Lord My only shelter from the storm But instead I draw closer through these times So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace Bring the chance to be free Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain you who made a way for me suffering your destiny so tell me whats a little rain Holy, holy, holy Holy, holy, holy is the lord God almighty is the lord God almighty I'm forever singing everybody singing Holy holy holy you are holy you are holy
I think this sums up perfectly how I feel. /Users/sarahbphotography/Desktop/08 Bring The Rain.mp3 Mamie's garden is so beautiful right now. I have taken pictures and plan to post them soon. I miss my sweet little girl so much. - Sarah video

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter at our house

Taylor and I decided to have a small Easter dinner at our house this year. It was kind of last minute so most of the family couldn't come. Becky and Lilla came over to hang out and hunt eggs. We hid all the eggs in Mamie's garden for Silas and Lilla to find. It was comical watching those two. They wanted to eat everything out of each egg they picked up. It was a great day to be surrounded by friends and family. It was yet another hard day, but we made it. :)