Poppy Seed

Yesterday started out really great. I was out enjoying my morning quiet time and coffee on the deck when I got a call from Lynette my bereavement nurse. A girl that I met last week to do some maternity pictures had gone into labor. You see, Lynette called me a few weeks back to ask me if I would be willing to document the end of this mothers pregnancy. She had just found out that her precious baby had trisomy 13 . When we met for the first time we totally hit it off. There is a bond so powerful between mothers that have gone through or are going through losing their child. We captured the most beautiful maternity pictures. We talked for ever after we were finished about everything. She and her husband were hit in the heart by this news at around 30 weeks when she went in for her baby views. Her doctor had missed all the signs that there was something wrong. They were very hopeful that their baby would make it through the pregnancy and be delivered alive so that they could ...

Today has been a very emotional day. I got a text around 10am from NILMDTS that a baby that was delivered at 38 weeks was about to pass. I froze when I saw the text. It made me so sick to think of what that family was going through. The whole day my head has been in the clouds thinking of this family. Why does this have to happen? Just a little while ago Taylor and I were snuggled up on the couch having a glass of wine and watching tv when I got a call from one of my favorite wedding clients from a few years back. She began crying as she told me her cousin went in for her 38 week check up today and they could not find the heartbeat...... I immediately began having flash backs of me sitting in the ultrasound room as they told me Mamie had died. What is going on??? I just want to scream right now! My client wanted to know if I would be willing to photograph their precious baby once he was delivered. That was a question I didn't have to think about. I told her...

Hi, We just returned from a Disney World trip with Mom and Dad. We took Silas and had a blast! It was really nice to get away from the cold and soak up some warm sunshine for a few days. Taylor and Jason stayed in Little Rock since it was such a quick trip. We will have to go back now that we know the basics :-) Sarah will have pictures on her work blog soon I am sure! Before we left Sarah joined Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep , an organization that offers professional pictures to families who aren’t able to bring their babies home from the hospital. The photographers involved donate their time and talent in order to give lasting memories to the families who wouldn’t otherwise have pictures to remember their babies. Sarah says this is just a small way for her to give back after all that has been given to her through the loss of our precious Mamie. There has been a lot of press here in Little Rock on the organization recently. Here is the segment from KARK 4. Now I Lay Me Down to...

I slept pretty well last night.  I didn't even have to take a sleeping pill which is good.  Yesterday was a much better day.  I did my usual sitting on the deck drinking my coffee and being quiet.  It is amazing how peaceful the mornings are.  Gus crawled up on the couch with me (which we usually don't let them do) and lay his head on my belly and looked at me with his sweet eyes. People have been asking me if Gracie and Gus have been acting weird and I really haven't seen a change but I think they know.  Yesterday was my first morning to be by myself and I think I needed it.  I decided to get dressed and make myself get out of the house.  In the process I began to scream and cry.  Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and I feel like there is just no way of getting through this.  I took my bath and felt like I could handle the next step of my day.  (I take a bath everyday if not twice or even sometimes 3 times a day if I feel like it. It is another peaceful place for me.) ...

Three weeks have past and I feel like some days we have made a little progress and then the next day we are back where we started.  This week has been really hard for Taylor and I.  We met with Dr. Sellers on Tuesday and went over the pathology report.  We left with so many unanswered questions.  All we learned was her cord was short (19.5cm where the average normal cord is 50-55cm).  Her placenta was small.  She was the size she was supposed to be at 37 1/2 weeks so he was not sure about that.  There was a kink in the cord where it met the placenta and there were blood clots in the cord.  The plan is for us to come back on Aug. 18th to do lab work on me.  They will send blood samples off to be tested to see if there is a problem.  If they come back positive then Dr. Sellers will put me on some kind of medicine for my next pregnancy.  We asked him what they would determine if the test results comes back negative. He paused and said he wasn't sure.   He would have to talk to more sp...

Mamie’s Due Date MONDAY, JULY 13, 2009 AT 8:14AM POSTED IN  MAMIE KATHERINE ,  PRAYERS ,  STILLBORN EDIT Today has already been extremly hard for Taylor and I.  Today was to be Mamie’s due date.  The questions that everyone asks you through your whole pregnancy is here.  And we have no baby here with us.  She has gone to heaven.  I woke up crying harder than I have in a while and couldn’t catch my breath.  I keep replaying everything over and over in my head.  How did this happen to us?  Today is suppose to be an exciting day.  I pray that the Lord will give us strength to get through this day.  I lit a candle for our precious Mamie and plan to let it burn for her all day.   “Mamie we love you so so much and miss you more than ever.”   Lauren  - Sarah, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Taylor today as they are everyday. I have been thinking about you constantly. I'm sure you are wondering when this will get easier. I just know it will. God has a plan for you both and I know...

It has been 2 weeks now since this nightmare happened. I woke up this morning more overwhelmed by grief than ever before. I began screaming and crying. I cried so hard my head felt like it was going to explode. Why did this have to happen to us? We did everything right. I just kept crying out to the Lord to bring my baby back. I fell back asleep in pure exhaustion until I felt Taylor wrap his arms around me and kiss me on my forehead. It was close to noon and he had come home to check on me. I decided I would get up and see how I felt. It didn't take long for me to figure out I felt like I was still drowning.  Mom and Silas were on the deck when I went outside and sat down. I felt like a zombie....I can't stop crying I told my mom.  It just isn't fair. I want my baby back. A beautiful arrangement was sitting on the table and the card read Joe Marchese , The Rockets. This is one of my favorite bands that plays at a ton of weddings that I photograph.   It just ...

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009 AT 2:16PM POSTED IN FAMILYEDIT Mamie’s obituary was in Sunday’s paper. I am sorry this is such late notice. Here is a copy. -Britney Mamie Katherine Adams, infant daughter of Sarah and Taylor Adams, of Little Rock, was accepted into God’s loving arms on June 25, 2009. She brought much love and joy to her parents and their family as they prepared for her birth. Her memorial service was held on Monday, June 29th. Sarah, Taylor and their family thank all who attended the services, Pulaski Heights United Methodist Church, Trinity United Methodist Church, St. Vincent Infirmary, and all who continue to pray for them. She is survived by her parents, Sarah and Taylor Adams; maternal grandparents, Penny and Bill Bussey; paternal grandparents, Cissy and Kenneth Adams; maternal aunt and uncle, Britney and Jason Spees; paternal aunts and uncles, Ashleigh and Brian Adams and Ashley and Drew Heiple. In lieu of flowers Sarah and Taylor would like for donations to be made...

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009 AT 10:14AM POSTED IN FAMILYEDIT Please pass this along to anyone you think it will help. Let’s take a stand for our babies. Click here to read THIS STORY Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth By Alan Goldenbach Washington Post Staff Writer Tuesday, July 7, 2009 About a month after our son died, my wife and I made our first visit back to her obstetrician's office hoping to get answers to some of the questions that haunted us. We had already learned why he died a day before he was supposed to be born; an autopsy showed his umbilical cord had become knotted. What we were left with was a helpless feeling, exacerbated by the fact that our son's death blindsided us. Over the previous year, we had absorbed countless pieces of pregnancy literature and fiercely adhered to our obstetrician's guidelines for a healthy pregnancy. While we knew that stillbirth is possible in every pregnancy, no book nor our doctor ever mentioned the term. So we asked ...

This morning I woke up bright and early along with Taylor. We decided to go for a walk in the neighborhood. What a beautiful and peaceful morning it was. There was even a little bit of chill in the air when we walked outside for the first time. With me not leaving the house the past couple of days it felt a little strange stepping out of my comfort zone. We met a few people out that were also taking advantage of the cool air and quite morning. I guess everyone knows what happened around here because they all stopped to say hello and say how good it was to see me out. Taylor and I talked during the entire walk and I only teared up once. I feel bad not crying sometimes but I know it is just a matter of time before my breakdown hits me. I am now sitting on my quiet deck drinking my hot cup of coffee :) I really feel like today is going to be a better day. I know we couldn't be getting though this without all the prayers from our friends and people we don't even know. -...

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009 AT 5:53PM POSTED IN PERSONAL, PRAYERSEDIT I was sent this poem by a dear friend who also lost her baby not to long ago. I wanted to share it with you all. The way to treat a Mother who is grieving Please Be Gentle By Jill B. Englar Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask ‘why?’ At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. For...