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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Leaving it in God's hands

Taylor and I have been given the okay to try and get pregnant again. I haven't blogged about it because I really wasn't sure I wanted everyone to know. I remember everyone saying how fertile you are after you have a baby and how most people get pregnant quickly. It has been 4 months now and I have really been struggling with all of this. I guess I had it in my head that God wouldn't make us wait very long after all the pain we have gone through.
For those of you who don't know it took us right around a year to get pregnant with Mamie. I am not big into taking drugs. Not that I think it is bad for people to take medicine. It just isn't for me. My mom found out about this book called "The Infertility Cure" written by
Randine Lewis, Ph.D. You can click on the book and it will link to a book store.
We ran out and got the book and I began interviewing acupuncturist. I found a wonderful lady Dr. Lei at Shie Ji Acupuncture Clinic. She is an amazing woman. Not only is she NCCAOM certified in Acupuncture and herbs but she was an OBGYN in China. After 2 months of going to her and taking her herbs we were pregnant with Mamie. Just a little history on me. I had really long cycles. Long meaning 65 days. Dr. Lei got me to 45 that first month and then the next month I was pregnant. We were so happy. I continued going to her for my first trimester. But then I quit and I really regret doing that.
So here we are today. I am back with Dr. Lei once a week. I love going to see her. She calms me and helps me focus on getting my body healthy. I plan on going to her through out my next pregnancy. She has been working on my stress, circulation and infertility.
I am having a hard time because I am trying not to let this whole getting pregnant thing consume my every thought. It is frustrating because we shouldn't even being doing this. We should have our 7 month old daughter here and not even be thinking about having another baby right now. I pray to God everyday to calm my heart. I know He has a plan and I need to leave it in His hands. Last week in Sunday school we talked about how we as humans want to be in control. We get this plan in our head of how we want things to go in our lives. That just isn't the way it works. God has our lives planned out and we need to live everyday praising Him and leave it in His hands. That's really hard because I know I always want to be in control. I wish sometimes my plans were also His plans ya know. Having another baby is going to be extremely emotional for us. Everyday will be extremely hard but that is when we will have to put our faith in God that it will all work out. Know for those of you that are wondering. We will never forget about Mamie and having another baby will NEVER replace her. She will forever be apart of our lives and her siblings to come will all know about their big sister. We just long for another baby. One that we can have here on earth with us. We know we will see Mamie again and she would never want us to give up on having more children.
Anyway I am rambling on. I just wanted to share with you guys what is going on around here. If you want you can add that to your prayers. Prayers for Taylor and I to have peace and strength while being here on earth without Mamie and prayers that God will bless us with another precious baby. We know it will happen.
I have been meaning to show yall this awesome gift Jayna and Matthew gave us for Christmas. They have one of Owen at their house that I saw. Jayna was trying to be sneaky but when I kept insisting on getting the company's name that makes them she had to tell me that they were ordering us one for Christmas. It is a granite slab with her picture lasered on it. Pretty cool. If you are interested in getting one for a friend or yourself here is the link.
I hope you all have a blessed day.
- Sarah

Monday, January 25, 2010

Remembering Mamie: 7 Months

Hey Everyone, I can't believe another month has already gone by. Today is 7 months Mamie has been in heaven. I woke up this morning feeling peaceful. The sun is coming up and I think it is going to be a beautiful day. I can hear Mamie's wind chimes out in the garden and it makes me smile. Every time they chime we say, "Mamie is talking to us." Gosh I miss her so much........Taylor and I went down to the cemetery this weekend to pick up around her grave. We decided to take the stone that Drew and Ashley gave us. I hate not having a marker for her but we all have to sit down and discuss and choose since both my parents and Taylor and I will also be buried there. We dug out some of the ground and placed the stone so it would be somewhat flush with the ground. The wreath Britney made a few months back is still holding up nicely so we left that along with an angel bear Becky one of our sweet sweet friends brought for her. It looks so good and makes me feel much better. I took a picture with my phone to show you guys.
I am going to finish my coffee and head out for a long walk. Hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day.
Isaiah 41:10
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.
- Sarah

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's January

It's been a while since I have blogged. Everyday I have told myself that I need to sit down and get some words out. But each day went by and nothing was said. Our lives have been about the same around here. As most of you all know we went away for Christmas this year with my family. We rented a house out in Jackson Hole for the week and it was amazing. Taylor and I could look out our window every morning at Snow King Mountain and watch the skiers come down. The house was decorated for Christmas but not overdone. We were totally dreading the holidays. The soft white onsie with red piping and a cute little reindeer kept popping up in my head as Christmas grew closer. I bought it back at the end of the season last year from Catering to You. She would have looked so precious in it. That same day Britney and I bought matching pjs for Silas and Mamie. They were red and white pants with a matching top but it also had some lime green on it. We laughed thinking about how cute they would look and talked about how Mom would probably want to use a picture like that for her Christmas card......ah..... Christmas Day turned out to be better than I expected. Mamie got to share her 6th month birthday in Heaven with Jesus. All I could think about that day was "WOW! I bet it is amazing up there." I had a total sense of peace that day. God had calmed my heart and I was very thankful.

When we returned home was when I hit rock bottom. Everyone went back to work and this is my slow time. Every year this is when we step back from the business and take a breath. Every morning I would wake up and just lay in bed. I kept wishing it would be a better day but I just couldn't seem to find that day. I started wandering around in the house not knowing what to do with myself. I felt like I was going crazy. I tried making list of things to do and that didn't even help. All I could think about was how much I miss Mamie and wondering how I was going to get out of this horrible place I had fallen into. I begged God to help me..... and he did. One morning I woke up and it was like the clouds had parted. I felt so much better. I was still sad of course but I felt like a part of me was back. I am so thankful for all of my amazing friends and family who kept calling and coming over. Even though many times I would just let the phone ring yall never gave up on me. God has once again picked me up in his arms and carried me out of the storm. These past couple of weeks have been SO much better. I feel like I have a purpose in life again. I have started back walking which has made a big difference in my days. I have also decided that I am going to get back to blogging more. I have received so many emails from you guys out there that have been touched by our story. So many that have found comfort in knowing you aren't the only one out there that are going through this nightmare of loosing a child and others that have found my words helpful in dealing with friends and loved ones that are going through the same thing. That makes me feel good. I started this blog for me during such a happy time and have found it therapeutic to continue journaling even though I am not so happy anymore. So thank you to everyone out there reading and remembering our sweet Mamie.

- Sarah