Thursday, February 25, 2010
I woke up this morning feeling like there was a ton of bricks on my chest. I can't believe today is 8mths Mamie has been in heaven. I sat here thinking where have the day gone. I feel like the world is going on around me but I am stuck here in the same place. I really wanted to pull the covers over my head and cry myself back to sleep. I began to pray and next thing I knew I was walking to the kitchen to get my coffee. My heart aches for Mamie but I know she is in such a better place happy and healthy. Last night before Taylor and I went to sleep he told me that the past 2 nights he has had dreams about her. That makes me so happy. The fact that he has gotten to see her in his dreams must be amazing. I have yet to have that experience and I pray everyday that someday soon I will. Taylor said he doesn't really remember anything about the dreams except that she was there and she was not a baby. She was a little toddler running around. I find that so crazy because one of my very best friends told me a few months ago that when she thinks of Mamie in heaven she doesn't think of her as a baby but a toddler with long dark curls running around and playing. I feel sad because I haven't had those dreams of her. We talked about this in our grief group. So many mom's said the same thing. They have never had those dreams but one of the dad's made a great point. We may not dream about our babies at night but we dream about them all day long.
Mamie's candle is burning and I am trying to keep myself busy. I want to thank all of you that have sent emails and text this morning. You don't know how much that means to us. Britney just called after dropping Silas off at school. She said Silas looked at her and asked if she was going to light a candle for Mamie. She said "That's a great idea Silas." and he responded again saying, "Light a candle for Mamie." What special little guy he is. It's so crazy because she said Mamie's name has not been mentioned at all this morning. I truly believe he has a connection with her that we will never understand. I think God is sending me messages through Silas and I am ever so thankful.
I wanted to share this sweet video I got of Silas saying his night night prayers. He says these every night and every time I tear up.
Mamie, Mommy and Daddy love you so much. We miss you.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
About 2mths after losing Mamie my very good friend Crystal Goss called me to see if we could help her out. She and her husband had been chosen to be the March of Dimes Ambassador Family of 2009 for Arkansas. Crystal for all of you that don't know is an amazing photographer. After having her first child Brayson 2 months early and spending months in the UAMS nicu she decided she needed to give back. She not only became involved in the March of Dimes but also Know I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Donating her time to document those precious moments for families to hold on to. When we found out Mamie had died Britney new exactly who she needed to call. Me being a photographer myself I knew pictures were a must and having Crystal there not only as a friend but also as a photographer capturing those moments meant the world to us. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have those picture. I feel like I could never repay Crystal for everything she did that day. When she called to see if we would be willing to tell our story I knew it was my time to give back and help spread awareness. The video was actually sent to me back in November and I have only watched it once. It is extremely touching but it is also hard for me to see myself and Taylor sitting there telling what happened. I have been wanting to share this video with you all for a long time know so here it is. Joshua Smith did an amazing job putting this together. It blew me away!You might want to click play and then pause and let the video load all the way before starting.
Thank you Crystal for everything you have done for us. You are truly a blessing to us and I am so thankful for your friendship. I decided right after we had Mamie that donating my time and gift of photography was what I needed to do. I am extremely excited. It has taken me 7mths to actually move forward in this process but I believe I am ready.
I hope you all have a wonderful day.