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Moving Forward

Yesterday was a day we have been waiting 8 weeks for.  Having more blood work was not something I have been looking forward too but it is bringing us one more step closer some kind of closure on Mamie's death.  I still keep asking myself why this happened.  Did I do something wrong?  Was I just not paying attention............  Walking back into the clinic was harder than the last time we went which was around 2 weeks after Mamie was born.  That day I was such a zombie and totally numb to everything.   I wasn't that way yesterday.  I was totally aware of where I was and what was going on around me.   I feel like everyone that walked past me was pregnant and happy.  I got pretty anxious sitting in the room waiting for Dr. Sellers.  The more we waiting the more anxious I got. That horrible day started replaying in my mind.  It was that very table I sat and waited to hear my sweet babies heart beat.  Taylor could tell I might be on the edge of busting into tears.  He began talking to me about random stuff to get my mind off of it.  It was so good to see Dr. Sellers and Barbara.  They are like family to us now.  The compassion that they show is so comforting to Taylor and I.  Everything went fine and I had all of my blood work done which wasn't that bad.  I am really not sure when the results will be back but I hope sooner than later.  We are so ready to get the past us and maybe have some hope for the future.
I have hit the ground running with work.  I think it has been good for me to get back to what I love doing.  People have asked me if it is hard to photograph babies.  I can't say that it doesn't make me sad but capturing those precious moments for a family also makes me so happy. Being behind the camera is what I am supposed to do.   I thank the Lord everyday for being with me and giving me that strength.
We started working on the front yard this past weekend.  Since we have so many trees we decided to make the whole front a memorial garden in honor of Mamie.  This is a project that everyone has wanted to take a part in.  We had 3 dump trucks of dirt and 2 trucks of mulch delivered on Friday.  Talk about a lot of shoveling.  Having a project makes us feel good and is giving us something to look forward to.  Mom and I hit up the nurseries and started pricing plants.  We ended up getting a good start at Home Depot.  My aunt dug up tons of hostas from her yard which we used to line the walk way.  We have been given gift cards to nurseries around town and I can't wait to go buy more plants.  Saturday afternoon when we finished up for the day we all stood at the front and one by one we all began cry.  This is a dedication to Mamie and it makes me so happy to look at it.  But at the same time I started crying because I know she will never get to play in it.  Through out the day I would see a beautiful butterfly with blue and yellow tips.  I believe Mamie's presence was with us as we planted her garden.  Here is a picture I took with my phone.  There will be more to come.
 
I guess I have never really believed in signs but now I do more than ever since Mamie's death. Just the other night Alyson, Stuart, Taylor and I were sitting out on the deck talking.  All of a sudden we saw huge white wings flying in and an owl landed on a tree branch right beside us. She turned her and looked at us for a long time and then she flew way.  It was amazing.  I have never seen an owl other than in the zoo and I don't think I have ever seen one that close. Yesterday after we finished with the doctor Taylor and I went to Subway.  When we came out there a little prize on the front of his car.  It was a blue sea monkey set and attached to the top of the wrapping was a free Tropical Smoothie card...... Taylor and I just looked at each other and then started looking around at all the other cars.  We were the only car that got one.  We both smiles and I said maybe this was a little way of Mamie letting us know what she is here with us. Sending her Momma a much loved smoothie which is all I  could eat for about 2 weeks after she died and sending her cousin Silas a toy.  You know this might all sound weird but I don't care.  All these things make me feel better and make me smile. 

Comments

  1. The thought of you smiling again makes me happy! Your yard looks great! I can't wait to see the finished product! I pray you get some closure with the results of your blood tests.

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  2. Hi Sarah,
    I have walked in your shoes. My baby was stillborn at 31 weeks gestation. This was on 6/13/93. It remains the singularly worse thing that every happened to me and my family. There wasn't any bereavement photography then but we do have a few shots. His lips looked like Mamie's. I didn't know why his looked that way until the 'new' photography became public so now I know that stillborn babies just look that way. I think of him every day. He is just one of my kids. I used to picture him sitting between his sisters in the back seat of the car. Now I picture him driving or dating. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that Mamie will always be with you. As the years pass, your thoughts will be mostly your own but that's ok. I had a really hard time planning my next pregnancy. I was so afraid that I would somehow be minimizing his life. Finally I realized that it didn't matter how long my child lived, the love would be the same. So we went on and conceived a little girl. This little girl was born at 6:13. Her older brother was born on 6/13. Immediately I felt that God had just blessed me with the 'right' to love this baby without hesitation or guilt. And that is what I have done. She is now a 14yr old diva. I may have overdone the loving part.
    The best part for me is knowing that I get to be a new mother again with my boy when we reunite again in heaven.
    I hope that soon the good days outway the bad. I wish the best for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The yard's looking great Sarah and Taylor! I'm sorry that going back to the clinic was tough...I know how much you were dreading walking back in...and I am praying that these results will give you the peace you are searching for. I love that the owl is still coming to visit you and trust me, I don't think you're crazy at all about the signs! I have two voicemails from my dad that I have saved for three years now, and every time they are about to expire and I hear them again, is the perfect time to hear them...he likes to call on my birthday, tough days, days I've been thinking about happy memories. They strengthen our faith even more knowing that they are not lost, they are still among us and some days they like to remind us of that!

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  4. enjoyed hearing about this garden from you today! its looking cool (and i LOVE your fabulous house.) On the way home tonight, cody and i talked about how you are handling this the best possible way given the situation. it seems very healthy. taylor and you must have a solid relationship. and like i said earlier, the fact that your faith has grown and not waivered that much...its a true testimony. your story will effect so many. what an encouragement you are to me in that way, to not loose hope/faith. just being with you today was a blessing and i cant wait to see you again october. thanks for not giving up on what you do and meeting with us today bc you made our day :)
    love,
    ali blagg

    a scripture that you can count on which has gotten me through hard times and lifts my head is....

    pslam 27:13 "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

    in fact, i have it on a post it note right beside the door i leave my house out of every day...

    you will see the goodness of the lord while you are still alive....

    ReplyDelete

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