Yesterday was the 25th. I can't believe it has been a month since we lost Mamie. It seems like yesterday to all of us. We have been taking it day by day and I can say we have had some pretty good days here and there. I feel like some days I am in pure denial about what happened. It is usually a day that there is a lot going on. But I find by the end of the day I am a total basket case. I need to let it out. Crying that hard makes me feel good ya know. Nancy (a friend and Sunday school teacher of ours) told me it is like releasing the toxins from your body. You feel so much better once you get it all out.
Fayetteville was nice. Taylor and I saw baby Owen and we both did really good. I can't say we didn't cry because we did. But we didn't loose it like we thought we would. I was even worried about seeing Jayna for the first time. We have such a close connection with being pregnant together I just wasn't sure but all I wanted to do was give her a big hug.
The relationship between Taylor and I has grown stronger than I ever thought was possible. It is really hard for me when he leaves for work. I want to be with him constantly. We are starting our grief one on one counseling next week and we are really looking forward to that. I think having someone outside our circle to sit and talk to us is going to help us get our emotions out even more.
Our Lord has been right here with us every day. Sitting out on the deck in the mornings feeling the cool breeze. I feel so close to God at those moments. I find myself crying out to Him for guidance, peace and strength to make it through every day.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again. We were at the doctor for my blood work and they told me I was pregnant. I can't really remember anything else about the dream except that there was a little happiness and hope there. I know we are going to be so scared when we get pregnant again. But through all of this I know that we will put all our faith in our Lord that everything will be okay.
I have photographed 4 sessions since all of this has happened. 3 babies and one maternity. Everyone has asked me how in the world I have done this and all I can say is God has been there to me holding me up and give me the strength.