It's been 2 weeks

I am sitting here on my deck again this morning. I have a splitting headache.   The past couple of days have been almost unbearable.  I have not stopped crying.  As soon as I wake up I start thinking about Mamie and replaying everything in my head.  Why did this have to happen to us?????????????   I want my baby so bad I feel like I am drowning. So many of my friends are due right now.  Katy had her sweet little boy yesterday.  I am so happy for her but also it makes me very sad.  On Monday Lindsey came over for her last belly picture. We were about a week apart in our pregnancies and I documented her belly for her as she grew and changed. She told me that she was scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday, the 14th. I couldn't help it and started crying. My due date was Monday, the 13th and oh how I wish Mamie would be coming into our lives that day. I pray more than ever now. I pray that He will take this pain away, give me strength and comfort. Sometimes I just wish I could take a pill and make myself numb to all of this. I know He is there right by my side and is crying with me. Taylor is being so strong for me. Sometimes I wish he would just let his guard down and cry with me. I know he hates to see me like this and wants to be my rock. I couldn't imagine not having Taylor in my life. He is such an amazing husband. He is my sole mate. We have decided to go to a support group at St. Vincent. The first meeting is this Sunday at 2. I am very ready to go and visit with other parents who are dealing with the same loss. I think this will be good for us. Dr. Sellers called and the full pathology report is back. We are going in next Tuesday to go over everything. He told me that we will be able to have more children in the future which calmed my fears a bit. I thought I would be able to since I carried Mamie into the middle of my 37th week.  She was full term.  But hearing it out of the mouth of the doctor we love and trust so much just made us feel better.  He said once I am past the postpartum weeks we will start lab work on me.  I am really not sure but I think it might have to do with my blood.  I guess we will know everything on Tuesday. My family has been so amazing through all of this.  I feel like they must be getting tired of taking care of me.  I have only left the house a few days and as soon as I do I want to go back home.  Yesterday Britney and I went to Barbara Graves to get me a few new bra's.   One of the ladies who has worked there forever was very happy to see us come in.  She was helping people but when she walked past me she said something about how's the baby?  I turned and broke down into tears.  She knew I was pregnant but obviously didn't hear that we lost Mamie.  I know this probably won't be the first time this happens, but I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time.