These past couple of days have been pretty hard but today I have to say has been the worst. I feel like I am back at day one. The days after we came home from the hospital without our precious Mamie. The days we prepared for our daughters funeral. I went to bed last night crying out to the Lord. "Please make this pain go away! I hurt so much and I feel so alone." This morning I woke up early and headed out to the deck with my cup of coffee. I felt like maybe.... just maybe it was going to be a better day. I sat there working on an invitation for my daughters 1st birthday. To celebrate her and the fact that even though she never took a single breath in this world, she has touched so many lives. It shouldn't be this way. We should be getting together for her 1st birthday to celebrate the 1st year of her life. To watch her dig into her birthday cake tasting her 1st sweet yumminess. I sat there daydreaming about everything that would happen that day if she were here with us..... I finally pulled myself away from the computer and took Gus for a walk. I needed to think but then I didn't need to think. I talked to my mom practically the whole walk. I told her about the non profit idea I have been working on in honor of Mamie and I could tell the whole time she was trying not to cry. I was doing the same. Why do we so often choke back the pain and tears? It is so hard to always be strong, ya know? When I got home I buried my head in work until I completely lost it..... I mean I totally lost it. I could not stop crying. I cried so hard I could barely breath. I ran myself a bath and sunk deep into the warm water. I was back to that moment when I felt like I was drowning. I felt more alone than ever before and nothing seemed to matter. The Lord has a way of stepping in on these times with me. I looked out the window with blurred eyes. I prayed and yelled at the Lord, "God, I am so angry, why did you let this happen!?!?" I know it is okay to be angry at Him. He loves me and will wrap His arms around me and hold me in tight. Sometimes I just get so mad. It seems like everyone around me had everything that they ever wanted and here we are...... we have lost our baby, our sweet pup, we can't get pregnant and I feel like I am losing my mind. I ask God all the time what does He want me to do. What am I here for? What is my purpose? I know if I keep my heart open and listen He will answer and point me in the direction He needs me to go. I was so exhausted after crying so hard that after my bath I crawled into my bed and fell asleep. I wanted to sleep forever. I don't have to think about anything when I sleep. Time passes by and I don't have to deal with anything if I am asleep. But you know you always have to wake up and face reality.
I sit here tonight out on my deck feeling a little more peaceful. I know I have a hard week 1/2 ahead of me leading up to Mamie's birthday but I can do it. I have been so blessed to have so many people that care for me. I don't know what I would do without all of you. And Taylor...... what an amazing husband I have. I know he is dealing with his own sadness with Fathers Day and Mamie's year coming up. He is the most loving and compassionate man I know and I am so happy that he is my man. I love you Tay!
Sorry for all the sobbing sadness I have here but that is what this blog is all about. Getting out my feelings and honoring my Mamie.
Have a peaceful night!