Sorry for the delay on announcing the sex of our little Olive. We found out last week that we are having a baby boy and we are SO excited. We would have been excited either way we just want a healthy and happy baby here on earth with us. We already have a name for our sweet little guy. His full name will be Burke Kenneth Adams. Burke (what we will call him) is my mother's maiden name and we have planned to use it since the first day we started talking about babies. Kenneth is after Taylor's dad and that is also Taylor's first name.
I wasn't prepared for the crazy emotions I had after finding out the sex. I wasn't sad at all because it was a boy I would have been the same way if it was a girl. It has just been a very emotional roller coaster. I have kind of kept myself separated from this baby. I just don't want my heart to get hurt again. The feelings are SO hard to explain. You mothers out there that are reading this that have lost and then had another baby pipe in and help me out with this. I just wish Mamie was here to be a big sister here on earth to her little brother. I just isn't fair ya know. I could talk all night about this but I will leave it here. I understand that there are always going to be those bad days. I just didn't expect the day we find out the sex of our baby I would be so down in the dumps.
Since last week I have really been working hard to connect with this baby. One of my very good friends gave me tons of adorable boy clothes that I have been looking through. I have been spending many hours on the Internet looking for just the right bedding for this sweet little guy, and Taylor and I worked hard this past Monday getting things organized in Burke's room. I knew I didn't want to take Mamie's room down. It made me sick to my stomach to even think about it. Taylor thought of the best idea. He suggested we make Mamie's room the headquarters for Mamie's Poppy Plates. What a fabulous idea. We could get everything organized in her room. How perfect was that. We moved the crib and changing table into Burke's room and moved our big soft green armoire into Mamie's room. I got it all organized with all of the MPP information and boxes. I went over to my mom's and got my Aunt Mamie's rocking chair that she has been keeping for me and I put it in the corner with a table and lamp so I can go in there and sit whenever I want. When I opened her closet I stood there staring at all of her adorable clothes that we had hanging for her. I looked at Taylor and said I just wasn't ready to pack up her clothes. Taylor had to head up to grab some things as work and I was still cleaning and organizing. I found myself back at her closet. All of a sudden I grabbed a box and began carefully placing her clothes in the box. My heart began to hurt so bad and a huge lump formed in my throat. What was I doing. How could I put her clothes in a box. Those are hers. I began crying so hard and couldn't stop. I continued placing clothes in the box, then I moved to her little shoes, hats and socks. Next was her bloomers that were given to us with her name monogrammed in pink on the bootie. It hurt so bad. Thinking I am putting all this stuff in a box and down stair in a closet where I can't see them..... I am a terrible mother. I don't want her to be forgotten. I don't want people to think this baby in my belly is going to take her place. She still is our daughter, my parents and Taylor's grand daughter, and Taylor and my siblings niece. We are having our second child not our first and she can't be forgotten! Suddenly my phone rang, I was literally saved by the bell before I totally crawled in the bed and pulled the cover over my head for days. It was Becky....she sat there and listened on the other line and let me cry. Soon before I knew it we were talking about something so funny my tears had dried up and I was laughing. One thing she did tell me that made me feel better is that those clothes and things are not Mamie. Rooms evolve with your children's age and there was no better way to change up her room than how we had with Mamie's Poppy Plates. Her spirit will live on and her story will help so many people with these plates. Becky always knows exactly what to say ;)
I ended the night with a swollen face and burning eyes but I did feel so much better.
Now for those of you reading this I want you to remember that I speak from the heart. This is my journey after losing my child and I write more for myself. Please don't think that I don't love this baby growing inside of me. I do! I love him just as I love Mamie. I am just going through lots of emotions, emotions that I never thought I would have when I got pregnant again. It is a scary road guys.