I haven't blogged in a while about what has been going on around here. Tonight I got onto blogger and saw that I had a draft that I never published back from a month ago. While reading through it I realized how badly I need to get back to journaling. So below is an entry from July 30.
Since we passed Mamie's first birthday things have been a little different around here. I feel like I can breath a little better. I have found a peace that I didn't think I would ever find. It is hard to believe we made it through all the "firsts" already. I look back on this time last year and, I felt like I couldn't go on. The pain is for sure still there it has just lessened. You search for a new normal after losing a child and God has been there every step of the way. He has held me up in my darkest days and stayed by my side always. So many moms that I have talked to say, you will NEVER get over the loss of your child you just learn how to live with it. Mamie has changed me in ways I never thought could happen. She has shown me what is important in life, who is important in life. Losing her has slowed me down and helped me enjoy what is going on around me. The sunsets are more beautiful, the sounds of the birds in the morning make me smile. Taking one day at a time is what I am focused on. Living my life to the fullest.
My mom turned 60 two days ago and she said she woke up dreaming about her parents, Mom and Pop. She was thinking about them running around after Mamie, in heaven. I am sure that "little bit" is keeping them very busy :)
Taylor and I decided right after Mamie's birthday that we were going to take a break from all of the fertility stuff. It has been a great decision. I was being consumed by the whole process and I believe the stress on my body was not helping out at all. Some day's I cry out to God. Why am I here without my child? Why can't we have another one Lord? Everyone around me seems to be pregnant, and I am so happy for all of them but I wish I was too. Sometimes I think, maybe we aren't suppose to have any other children. Maybe Mamie was our one blessing and I need to just move on. I pray that if that is the case God will take this yearning in my heart for another child away. I am continuing acupuncture for now to help with my stress and more importantly circulation. It is hard sometimes when I look at other people and they seem to have everything. I know this sounds childish but it seems so unfair at times. When will we get a break? When will we have a little joy around here? I know it has to be right around the corner. I have put all my faith in God, and I know he knows what is best for us.
Mamie's headstone was put in last Friday. Taylor and I went to see it on her month birthday which was Sunday. It looks really good. I took some pictures so I could show you all. Taylor and I walked around looking for one of my new, good friends babies that died 6 years ago. I was surprised to find her not far from Mamie. I took a picture and sent it to Carolyn so she could see how close our girls were there. God has an amazing way of taking something so terrible and turning it into good. The people that have come into my life since Mamie has passed are all so wonderful. The connection that mom's that have lost a child is so strong.
I want to leave you with these word's Lynette (my bereavement nurse) posted on her facebook
When you can see through closed eyes and enter another's world of imaginations, when you can hear what hasn't yet be spoken, when you can touch another while keeping your hands to yourself...then you know God is working through you. Grief sp eaks---- listen! It is an instrument that plays the music of our spirit connections: a universal song with lyrics that transcend the need for translation. It may in fact be the most common thread of humanity.
- L. Spruiell