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9 Months

I can't say that today has been the best day. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to get out of bed. All I could think about was what we would be doing today if Mamie were here. First of all I know I would have been awake much earlier than 8am. Sleeping in would not be a normal routine for me. I imagine that she would be crawling and pulling up on all of the furniture. Taylor and I would have moved everything out of reach that she could get to, that she shouldn't be. The coffee table would be padded and there would be toys everywhere. I was so angry this morning. I wanted to scream and cry for hours. I sat in her nursery and looked out at the beautiful garden that is about to burst with blooms. I just don't understand why we have to be here without our sweet baby. I slowly made my way into the kitchen to get my normal cup of coffee and made my way out to my spot on the deck. I was very thankful to see the sun shining through the trees because I had prepared myself for a rainy morning. I sat there listening to the quietness of the morning and watching the most adorable bird going to and from her nest that she is building right by our back door. She looks so happy, hopping around on those skinny little legs. She was hard at work getting her home ready for her new babies. It made me smile to see her, a small bird, working away to get ready for her baby chicks to arrive. I remember this time last year. I was really starting to pop out, and we were hard at work getting the house and nursery ready for our little Mamie. Later in the morning I decided to take Gus for a walk with Britney and Silas. It was really nice to get out and sweat a bit. I don't know if that makes any of you feel good but it does me. Silas did most of the talking :). He cracks me up and I can't tell you guys how great it is to be around that little guy. He knows how to make his Kiki laugh. This afternoon when I was sitting in Silas' room he was playing with all of his toys. He had his radio on, and he ran over to get his guitar and said he was ready to jam out. We were both "jamming out" with our guitars, and all I could think about was Mamie. I imagined her sitting on the floor staring up at the both of us laughing like we were crazy. I remember how much she kicked in my stomach when Silas was around, and she could hear his voice. I bet he would have made her laugh all the time. They would have been the best of friends..... After Silas got up from his nap we decided to go to Garden Ridge to get some Easter eggs that I could string and hang in a tree in Mamie's garden. I decided to put them in the dogwood we planted close to her bench. It looks adorable. While I was out hanging eggs the wind chimes were going crazy. Every time we hear the them Taylor and I say, "Mamie is talking to us". I think today she was trying to tell me not to be sad. The garden is looking so beautiful. Some of the hot pink azalea's are starting to bloom and the 200 tulips are coming up and I can't wait for them to bloom. I will take pictures as soon as they do to show you guys. I want to say that I am so thankful for such great friends and my loving family. All of the phone calls and emails today has really meant the world to Taylor and I. Britney, thanks for getting me out of the house and just letting me talk. The things you said about seeing Mom in heaven holding Mamie's hands while she tries to walk and Pop saying "Come here Mamie" makes me happy. I can see that too. It started as a really bad day but many things today also warmed my heart and that I am thankful for. We love you sweet sweet Mamie and will never forget you. -Sarah

Comments

  1. Sarah,
    I think of you often- more than you know-and I always pray for peace in your heart. There are so many times when I'm reading your thoughts, I want to scream right with you. That's reality. You are so strong. Spring is here and it's a new season in life. Grab hold and don't let go. With much love,
    Katie

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  2. Stay strong honey! Love you and Tay! Milestones are tough, but dig in, hold on to your faith and you can get through them. I can't wait to see the garden...I know it is going to look absolutely beautiful in just a few weeks. Thinking about you always. Shawna

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  3. I am sitting outside watching the birds scurry around this morning feeling so peaceful. There is a dove singing from a tree. I love it. God sends us wonderful signs so often and I love when I am quiet enough to see them. Thank you for making me more aware of the life that goes on around us in nature. It is so beautiful and I think I missed so much for so long. I consider it one of the many gifts from my sweet Mamie. I love you- Brit

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