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Why???????????????

I have been wandering around today just feeling sick. Why was our baby taken away from us. I want her back so bad. I just want my baby...........................I don't understand why all of these other people get to have their precious babies and we are sitting here with empty arms. My heart is broken and I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I don't know if things will ever be normal again. Everyone has been telling me that I need to rest and quit trying to do so much and maybe that is what I should do. I am not one to just lay in the bed all day. I want to heal.............Lord I just need your strength right now. I am hurting so bad. I feel like there is no way I am going to be able to do this. I just want my baby.................... I am supposed to be changing her diapers and rocking her right now. I feel so alone at times. I feel this emptiness and I know it's because she is not here. Lord please calm my heart and give me comfort. I've been sitting in her room.  We have worked so hard on to get it ready and now there it is - all ready for Mamie, and she's not here. AH! I am so angry right now. WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I am going to go soak in the bath. I have made it through another day. It hasn't been such a good day, but I have made it. Thank you Lord for being with me and letting me cry out to you for help. I know Mamie is in your loving arms and I will never question that.

Comments

  1. BritneyJuly 24, 2009 at 5:41 PM

    Sis, I know today was especially hard for no specific reason. I wish you didn't feel so alone in this journey, but I know that you do at times. Every way that you feel is okay. You are not being judged on how you grieve, so do just exactly what you need to do and let God carry you. I love you.
    -Brit

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  2. AnonymousJuly 24, 2009 at 10:40 PM

    you know what, sarah? this entire post is everything that avie & i ask each other all the time. why? how can some women have 2, 3 or kids, how can a 16 year old get pregnant on "accident"? where's MY baby? and, it's sooooo hard to not be jealous of other women with their babies...actually, it's very easy to be jealous...the hard part is trying to push that jealousy aside so that you can somehow manage to say "congratulations". but, you know what? be jealous, be mad, be angry..and, be strong, be brave...any feelings you have are normal. any way you grieve is normal. you do what gets you through the day...staying in bed, sitting in her room, taking a walk, going to the mall...whatever you need to do, do it.

    and, if you need anything, ANYTHING, please e-mail me or call me or whatever! my e-mail is rht02@sbcglobal.net & my cell is 944-1472. i know sometimes you feel alone, but you're not alone. there is strength in numbers & those of us who have been through a loss like this have to stick together!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJuly 25, 2009 at 5:45 PM

    Sarah,
    I don't know you but found your photography blog a LONG time ago and fell in love with your work. I then found out through reading the prayer requests on kellyskorner about your sweet girl. I have been checking in regularly on the blog to see how you are doing. My heart breaks for you. I pray for you and your family.
    Christine

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownJuly 26, 2009 at 9:00 AM

    Sarah, I have been thru the same thing. I lost my baby girl at 37 weeks and that was 19 years ago. When it first happened it was like a nightmare. My first and only girl. I have 3 boys{18,14,6} I would wake up crying at night thinking I heard a baby crying and that my body had betrayed me. I said all that to tell you to please get some christian counseling and don't stop praying and crying out to God. He loves you and your husband. My heart goes out to you. I willpray for you. If you want to email me back please do so. Jan jbjbjbjb@bellsouth.net Sisters in Christ, Jan

    ReplyDelete
  5. HelmsJuly 31, 2009 at 7:27 PM

    Sarah-

    I am a Mom, just like you. I have not lost a baby, but I can certainly identify with the feeling of motherhood. The intense vulnerability. The overwhelming love. The feeling of meeting a calling. So sorry for your loss. I admire you for simply...living still. I know that cannot be easy to do. Know that you are not alone. You are prayed for. And held up when you are tired right out from the grief. I am at the end of my 4th pregnancy right now, and unable to sleep. God always brings people to mind to pray for in these last sleepless weeks. You are one of them.

    Love,
    Maryanne Helms

    ReplyDelete

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