Friday Morning

I slept pretty well last night.  I didn't even have to take a sleeping pill which is good.  Yesterday was a much better day.  I did my usual sitting on the deck drinking my coffee and being quiet.  It is amazing how peaceful the mornings are.  Gus crawled up on the couch with me (which we usually don't let them do) and lay his head on my belly and looked at me with his sweet eyes. People have been asking me if Gracie and Gus have been acting weird and I really haven't seen a change but I think they know.  Yesterday was my first morning to be by myself and I think I needed it.  I decided to get dressed and make myself get out of the house.  In the process I began to scream and cry.  Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and I feel like there is just no way of getting through this.  I took my bath and felt like I could handle the next step of my day.  (I take a bath everyday if not twice or even sometimes 3 times a day if I feel like it. It is another peaceful place for me.) 

Driving my car for the first time since all this happened was a little strange.  The beach towel from the Tuesday before all this happened when Britney and I went swimming is still in the back seat.  Thank goodness someone took out Mamie's carrier out.  We had it strapped in ready to go for when she decided to come.  

I ended up going to get a smoothie which has been another daily drink for me.  I can't seem to eat very much these days but smoothies taste so good.  Then I drove to Bed, Bath & Beyond to get some coffee.  I wandered around in there for about an hour picking up things I didn't need and then later putting them back up.  I felt good being out but also a little lost.  

Taylor and I went to dinner with some friends last night and that was nice.  I guess I still feel like I am such a dream right now.  I am just going through the motions.  

First thing this morning I opened the door to Mamie's nursery as I do every morning and went in and started straighting up things.  Moving around tables and chairs so it would look more put together.   We never got to finish the room and I just want it to look a little more put together.  I am not sure why I do some of the things that I do but it makes me feel better.  

I hope to have another good day today.  Anna is supposed to come over and hang out.  We talked about going for a walk and she is going to help me pack for Fayetteville.  We are leaving this afternoon to go stay with Ashley and Dustin.  When we get into town I really want to stop by the Weber's and see little Owen.  I have no clue how it is going to be and how I am going to react.  Owen to me is a baby that is close to Mamie.  With Jayna and I going through our pregnancy together I feel like Mamie and Owen knew each other.  That gives me comfort and I think will give me comfort to hold him.  

I guess that is it for my rambling journal entry today.  

-Sarah