Yesterday was the 25th. I can't believe it has been a month since we lost Mamie. It seems like yesterday to all of us. We have been taking it day by day and I can say we have had some pretty good days here and there. I feel like some days I am in pure denial about what happened. It is usually a day that there is a lot going on. But I find by the end of the day I am a total basket case. I need to let it out. Crying that hard makes me feel good ya know. Nancy (a friend and Sunday school teacher of ours) told me it is like releasing the toxins from your body. You feel so much better once you get it all out.
Fayetteville was nice. Taylor and I saw baby Owen and we both did really good. I can't say we didn't cry because we did. But we didn't loose it like we thought we would. I was even worried about seeing Jayna for the first time. We have such a close connection with being pregnant together I just wasn't sure but all I wanted to do was give her a big hug.
The relationship between Taylor and I has grown stronger than I ever thought was possible. It is really hard for me when he leaves for work. I want to be with him constantly. We are starting our grief one on one counseling next week and we are really looking forward to that. I think having someone outside our circle to sit and talk to us is going to help us get our emotions out even more.
Our Lord has been right here with us every day. Sitting out on the deck in the mornings feeling the cool breeze. I feel so close to God at those moments. I find myself crying out to Him for guidance, peace and strength to make it through every day.
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant again. We were at the doctor for my blood work and they told me I was pregnant. I can't really remember anything else about the dream except that there was a little happiness and hope there. I know we are going to be so scared when we get pregnant again. But through all of this I know that we will put all our faith in our Lord that everything will be okay.
I have photographed 4 sessions since all of this has happened. 3 babies and one maternity. Everyone has asked me how in the world I have done this and all I can say is God has been there to me holding me up and give me the strength.
The fact that you can still feel God's love and hope, is wonderful after only one month. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I pray for your complete healing.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your days with us. I'm glad that you have been able to have some good days and that you are getting back into your work. Your strength is truly amazing!
ReplyDeleteMatthew and I are so grateful for the time we got to spend with you in Fayetteville. We are amazed by the strength you showed and continue to show each day. You are both amazing examples of faith, courage, and strength to all of those around you. We thank God for the friendship He has given us. We love you and continue to pray for you each day. Mamie's picture is beautiful. Love, Jayna and Matthew
ReplyDeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you and Taylor daily and will continue to do so for as long as you need prayer for. I am on the prayer chain at my home church and we, that is to say the members of our prayer chain, have a chairman who gets names from the preacher of members and also people who aren't members but who have heard of our church's prayer chain and ask for us to pray for them and also friends and/or family of members. We aren't usually told conditions or what to pray about but we pray daily for the persons on the list each of them. Sometimes it's a longer list and sometimes shorter. We pray for them until their name is taken off of our list or there is an end result. We presently are praying for a former associate preacher who's been ill a long time and was transferred to LR but cause unknown to us, but that's a whole different story.
I am so happy that you were able to find peace and a closeness to God on your deck in the mornings. You know it says in the Bible that Jesus used to go often in the mornings to pray just by himself to God. Often it was in a garden but sometimes on mountaintops.
You never know just how strong you or your relationship is until it is tested or you are put to the test, as it seems right now. I remember when my mom lost one of her brothers my Junior Year of High School. She and her other brother are even closer now.
I believe that God will always provide some happiness and hope and guidance and in time answers but sometimes we have to look a little harder or wait a little longer to find that answer or the hope and happiness. You know there's an old saying that I'll paraphrase, it goes something like "into our life, a little rain must come for the rainbow to appear". The rain in this case are your tears, and the rainbow is symbolic of God's promise to us and fullfilled by the tears we cry and the warmth from the sunlight to male the rainbow or in this case the warmth from the love of family and friends and those things that give us peace, comfort, love, etc.
Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is Love. Love with your faith and family will get you through this to the Hope that is God's promise for each of us.