Poppy Seed

On Mamie's birthday my family met Taylor and I for lunch at the Pantry before we headed down to the cemetery. It was a peaceful day and afterwards Taylor and I went over to Hot Springs to get away and just be together for the weekend. Someone brought a dragon fly down to the cemetery for Mamie. I had a feeling I knew who it was. Thank you Sarah for being such a good friend and loving Mamie so much. We love it! Taylor and I We bought 9 balloons. 7 to release and 2 to leave at her grave. It was such a beautiful day. It was so crazy, as soon as we walked up 2 baby kittens ran up. They walked all around us and on Mamie's grave. One of the kittens had a fun time running after Silas' string for his balloon. I so wish I got that on video. He ran and ran and that cat just kept following him. He kept saying, "no....no....." We all go a great laugh watching him. Silas by Mamie's grave. He kept saying, "Kiki, today is Mamie's birthday. Happy...

I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach and having a horrible headache. I decided to run a hot bath and as I was standing there so many emotions came rushing back to me. I felt like I was reliving those days after I had gotten home from the hospital without Mamie. All I wanted to do was crawl back in bed but I know that won't help at all. I decided to get myself dressed, make a big cup of coffee and spend my morning on the deck. I need some alone time. Time to myself to think about everything and be with the Lord. My heart hurts so bad today and the lump in my throat won't go away. There is not a day or minute that goes by that I don't think about Mamie. Some days are just extra hard. I feel so lost and alone. I ask God all the time what is my purpose? What am I suppose to being doing here? I know He has a plan for Taylor and I. Keeping my faith and leaning on Him is all I can do. We thank you all for your continued prayers. We love you Mamie an...

Well today hasn't been the best of days. I guess I could say the past couple of days have been pretty hard for both Taylor and I. We miss Mamie so much. Everyday seems to go by and we are just stuck here in this sadness. The weather has been so nice and I keep thinking back to this time last year. I was really popping out and we were busy working on her nursery. I pulled out one of my spring purses the other day and found some pink fabric that I had brought home to look at. It just made my stomach turn. Today all I can do is think about why us? Why can't we be happy here with our 10month old. Why we couldn't be doing our usual Sunday afternoon errands with our little one strapped in the backseat. Instead today it was just Taylor and I riding around with our windows rolled down trying to enjoy the day but feeling totally empty inside because the biggest part of our lives is missing. We went down to the cemetery to visit her grave. We were both surprised to see th...

I can't say that today has been the best day. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I didn't want to get out of bed. All I could think about was what we would be doing today if Mamie were here. First of all I know I would have been awake much earlier than 8am. Sleeping in would not be a normal routine for me. I imagine that she would be crawling and pulling up on all of the furniture. Taylor and I would have moved everything out of reach that she could get to, that she shouldn't be. The coffee table would be padded and there would be toys everywhere. I was so angry this morning. I wanted to scream and cry for hours. I sat in her nursery and looked out at the beautiful garden that is about to burst with blooms. I just don't understand why we have to be here without our sweet baby. I slowly made my way into the kitchen to get my normal cup of coffee and made my way out to my spot on the deck. I was very thankful to see the sun shining through the tr...

I woke up this morning feeling like there was a ton of bricks on my chest. I can't believe today is 8 mths Mamie has been in heaven. I sat here thinking where have the day gone. I feel like the world is going on around me but I am stuck here in the same place. I really wanted to pull the covers over my head and cry myself back to sleep. I began to pray and next thing I knew I was walking to the kitchen to get my coffee. My heart aches for Mamie but I know she is in such a better place happy and healthy. Last night before Taylor and I went to sleep he told me that the past 2 nights he has had dreams about her. That makes me so happy. The fact that he has gotten to see her in his dreams must be amazing. I have yet to have that experience and I pray everyday that someday soon I will. Taylor said he doesn't really remember anything about the dreams except that she was there and she was not a baby. She was a little toddler running around. I find that so crazy because o...

Hey Everyone, I can't believe another month has already gone by. Today is 7 months Mamie has been in heaven. I woke up this morning feeling peaceful. The sun is coming up and I think it is going to be a beautiful day. I can hear Mamie's wind chimes out in the garden and it makes me smile. Every time they chime we say, "Mamie is talking to us." Gosh I miss her so much........Taylor and I went down to the cemetery this weekend to pick up around her grave. We decided to take the stone that Drew and Ashley gave us. I hate not having a marker for her but we all have to sit down and discuss and choose since both my parents and Taylor and I will also be buried there. We dug out some of the ground and placed the stone so it would be somewhat flush with the ground. The wreath Britney made a few months back is still holding up nicely so we left that along with an angel bear Becky one of our sweet sweet friends brought for her. It looks so good and makes me feel much...

Today is 6 months that Mamie has been in Heaven. Wow! We miss her so much but all I can think about today is what everyone is doing in heaven today on Jesus' birthday. I bet it is amazing. Taylor and I are so thankful for such great friends and family. We feel so loved and know that so many remember our sweet girl. We have kept ourselves busy today honoring Mamie by lighting her candle and putting her picture by it. This morning Silas looked at the candle and said "That's Mamie by the candle" we all smiled and said "yes that's Mamie" and then he grabbed a book that Santa brought him and asked for someone to read it. All I can say is "so special". There are so many hearts aching today. We know we aren't the only ones. There has just been too much that has happened this year. It just doesn't make sense but all I know is putting our trust in God is the only way we can make it through these tough times. A very go...

Today I woke up to the sun shining outside and the sound of the windchimes. I laid in bed for a while just thinking of Mamie. What would we be doing today if she were here? I miss her so much. This past week has not been the best for me. I have felt like I have gone back to the very day that we found out she was gone. My heart hurts and my arms ache from the emptiness of not being able to hold her. The other day I started crying when Britney and Silas were here. He stood at my feet looking up at me with sad eyes. Britney told him that Kiki was sad and it is okay to cry when you are sad. He kept looking at me and then he said "Kiki needs Mamie." As sad as I was right then I smiled and looked at him and said "I do need Mamie". He is so aware of everything. We hadn't even said her name and he knew. I pray for God to give me the strength to make it through the holidays without her. It just isn't fair! Her special candle will burn ...

Today Mamie would be 4mths old. I can't believe it has already been 4 months. It seems just like yesterday. It hasn't been the best day for me but the beautiful weather sure has helped. Taylor and I just got back from visiting Mamie's grave. We were so surprised when we arrived and someone had put a pumpkin there for her. I burst into tears... how speical to know that there are still so many thinking about our sweet baby girl. I have been thinking about how everyone has been taking their kids to the pumpkin patch and how we would be doing that if she was with us. Whoever brought her that pumpkin we want to thank you so much. It means the world to us. We love you Mamie and miss you so very much. -Sarah