Poppy Seed

One of my long time clients just left the house. I was so happy to get Dawn's email this morning asking if she could come visit and bring me some coffee. We had such a good visit. I got to show her all of the framed pictures of Mamie, her hand print, the little piece of curled hair the nurse cut for us, along with all the sweet gifts people have sent us. I was telling her how amazing all of our friends and family have been but not just that we have heard from so many people that we don't even know. Sending us words of encouragement or their stories of loss and how they are praying for us. We feel so loved. I am sitting here now as a storm blows in. I keep hearing the chime of the angel bell one of my dear friends Shawna sent me that we hung out on our deck. It is so beautiful! I feel so peaceful today. My heart is calm........ I called Mike who does all of my business framing a little bit ago. I wanted to thank him for the beautiful frames he put Mamie...

Yesterday started off pretty good. I went for a walk with some girlfriends and all of their babies. It was hard when people would stop to say something to us because there were 4 of us and 3 strollers. I wanted my baby and my stroller. We had a fun time and got a good work out. I decided to try and stay out of the house so I went to Britney's for lunch. Things went spiraling out of control as I was sitting there with she and Jason. I totally lost it. I became so angry and just wanted to go home and be by myself. I wasn't angry at them or anything they said I was just angry. I cried all the way to my house and as soon as I walked through the doors I started screaming. I screamed so loud I am sure the neighbors heard. I felt like I was going crazy. All these thoughts were going through my head. How in the world am I going to move forward? How am I ever going to get anything done? What about my business? How will I ever be happy again? Why was I sit...

Yesterday was the 25th.  I can't believe it has been a month since we lost Mamie.  It seems like yesterday to all of us.  We have been taking it day by day and I can say we have had some pretty good days here and there.  I feel like some days I am in pure denial about what happened.  It is usually a day that there is a lot going on.  But I find by the end of the day I am a total basket case.  I need to let it out.   Crying that hard makes me feel good ya know.  Nancy (a friend and Sunday school teacher of ours) told me it is like releasing the toxins from your body.  You feel so much better once you get it all out.   Fayetteville was nice.  Taylor and I saw baby Owen and we both did really good.  I can't say we didn't cry because we did.  But we didn't loose it like we thought we would.  I was even worried about seeing Jayna for the first time.  We have such a close connection with being pregnant together I just wasn't sure but all I wanted to do was give her a b...

I have been wandering around today just feeling sick. Why was our baby taken away from us. I want her back so bad. I just want my baby...........................I don't understand why all of these other people get to have their precious babies and we are sitting here with empty arms. My heart is broken and I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I don't know if things will ever be normal again. Everyone has been telling me that I need to rest and quit trying to do so much and maybe that is what I should do. I am not one to just lay in the bed all day. I want to heal.............Lord I just need your strength right now. I am hurting so bad. I feel like there is no way I am going to be able to do this. I just want my baby.................... I am supposed to be changing her diapers and rocking her right now. I feel so alone at times. I feel this emptiness and I know it's because she is not here. Lord please calm my heart and give me comf...

I slept pretty well last night.  I didn't even have to take a sleeping pill which is good.  Yesterday was a much better day.  I did my usual sitting on the deck drinking my coffee and being quiet.  It is amazing how peaceful the mornings are.  Gus crawled up on the couch with me (which we usually don't let them do) and lay his head on my belly and looked at me with his sweet eyes. People have been asking me if Gracie and Gus have been acting weird and I really haven't seen a change but I think they know.  Yesterday was my first morning to be by myself and I think I needed it.  I decided to get dressed and make myself get out of the house.  In the process I began to scream and cry.  Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and I feel like there is just no way of getting through this.  I took my bath and felt like I could handle the next step of my day.  (I take a bath everyday if not twice or even sometimes 3 times a day if I feel like it. It is another peaceful place for me.) ...

Three weeks have past and I feel like some days we have made a little progress and then the next day we are back where we started.  This week has been really hard for Taylor and I.  We met with Dr. Sellers on Tuesday and went over the pathology report.  We left with so many unanswered questions.  All we learned was her cord was short (19.5cm where the average normal cord is 50-55cm).  Her placenta was small.  She was the size she was supposed to be at 37 1/2 weeks so he was not sure about that.  There was a kink in the cord where it met the placenta and there were blood clots in the cord.  The plan is for us to come back on Aug. 18th to do lab work on me.  They will send blood samples off to be tested to see if there is a problem.  If they come back positive then Dr. Sellers will put me on some kind of medicine for my next pregnancy.  We asked him what they would determine if the test results comes back negative. He paused and said he wasn't sure.   He would have to talk to more sp...

Mamie’s Due Date MONDAY, JULY 13, 2009 AT 8:14AM POSTED IN  MAMIE KATHERINE ,  PRAYERS ,  STILLBORN EDIT Today has already been extremly hard for Taylor and I.  Today was to be Mamie’s due date.  The questions that everyone asks you through your whole pregnancy is here.  And we have no baby here with us.  She has gone to heaven.  I woke up crying harder than I have in a while and couldn’t catch my breath.  I keep replaying everything over and over in my head.  How did this happen to us?  Today is suppose to be an exciting day.  I pray that the Lord will give us strength to get through this day.  I lit a candle for our precious Mamie and plan to let it burn for her all day.   “Mamie we love you so so much and miss you more than ever.”   Lauren  - Sarah, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Taylor today as they are everyday. I have been thinking about you constantly. I'm sure you are wondering when this will get easier. I just know it will. God has a plan for you both and I know...

I am sitting here on my deck again this morning. I have a splitting headache.   The past couple of days have been almost unbearable.  I have not stopped crying.  As soon as I wake up I start thinking about Mamie and replaying everything in my head.  Why did this have to happen to us?????????????   I want my baby so bad I feel like I am drowning. So many of my friends are due right now.  Katy had her sweet little boy yesterday.  I am so happy for her but also it makes me very sad.  On Monday Lindsey came over for her last belly picture. We were about a week apart in our pregnancies and I documented her belly for her as she grew and changed. She told me that she was scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday, the 14th. I couldn't help it and started crying. My due date was Monday, the 13th and oh how I wish Mamie would be coming into our lives that day. I pray more than ever now. I pray that He will take this pain away, give me strength and comfort. Sometimes I just wish I could ta...

It has been 2 weeks now since this nightmare happened. I woke up this morning more overwhelmed by grief than ever before. I began screaming and crying. I cried so hard my head felt like it was going to explode. Why did this have to happen to us? We did everything right. I just kept crying out to the Lord to bring my baby back. I fell back asleep in pure exhaustion until I felt Taylor wrap his arms around me and kiss me on my forehead. It was close to noon and he had come home to check on me. I decided I would get up and see how I felt. It didn't take long for me to figure out I felt like I was still drowning.  Mom and Silas were on the deck when I went outside and sat down. I felt like a zombie....I can't stop crying I told my mom.  It just isn't fair. I want my baby back. A beautiful arrangement was sitting on the table and the card read Joe Marchese , The Rockets. This is one of my favorite bands that plays at a ton of weddings that I photograph.   It just ...

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009 AT 2:16PM POSTED IN FAMILYEDIT Mamie’s obituary was in Sunday’s paper. I am sorry this is such late notice. Here is a copy. -Britney Mamie Katherine Adams, infant daughter of Sarah and Taylor Adams, of Little Rock, was accepted into God’s loving arms on June 25, 2009. She brought much love and joy to her parents and their family as they prepared for her birth. Her memorial service was held on Monday, June 29th. Sarah, Taylor and their family thank all who attended the services, Pulaski Heights United Methodist Church, Trinity United Methodist Church, St. Vincent Infirmary, and all who continue to pray for them. She is survived by her parents, Sarah and Taylor Adams; maternal grandparents, Penny and Bill Bussey; paternal grandparents, Cissy and Kenneth Adams; maternal aunt and uncle, Britney and Jason Spees; paternal aunts and uncles, Ashleigh and Brian Adams and Ashley and Drew Heiple. In lieu of flowers Sarah and Taylor would like for donations to be made...

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009 AT 10:14AM POSTED IN FAMILYEDIT Please pass this along to anyone you think it will help. Let’s take a stand for our babies. Click here to read THIS STORY Even Doctors Avoid Talking About Stillbirth By Alan Goldenbach Washington Post Staff Writer Tuesday, July 7, 2009 About a month after our son died, my wife and I made our first visit back to her obstetrician's office hoping to get answers to some of the questions that haunted us. We had already learned why he died a day before he was supposed to be born; an autopsy showed his umbilical cord had become knotted. What we were left with was a helpless feeling, exacerbated by the fact that our son's death blindsided us. Over the previous year, we had absorbed countless pieces of pregnancy literature and fiercely adhered to our obstetrician's guidelines for a healthy pregnancy. While we knew that stillbirth is possible in every pregnancy, no book nor our doctor ever mentioned the term. So we asked ...

This morning I woke up bright and early along with Taylor. We decided to go for a walk in the neighborhood. What a beautiful and peaceful morning it was. There was even a little bit of chill in the air when we walked outside for the first time. With me not leaving the house the past couple of days it felt a little strange stepping out of my comfort zone. We met a few people out that were also taking advantage of the cool air and quite morning. I guess everyone knows what happened around here because they all stopped to say hello and say how good it was to see me out. Taylor and I talked during the entire walk and I only teared up once. I feel bad not crying sometimes but I know it is just a matter of time before my breakdown hits me. I am now sitting on my quiet deck drinking my hot cup of coffee :) I really feel like today is going to be a better day. I know we couldn't be getting though this without all the prayers from our friends and people we don't even know. -...

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009 AT 5:53PM POSTED IN PERSONAL, PRAYERSEDIT I was sent this poem by a dear friend who also lost her baby not to long ago. I wanted to share it with you all. The way to treat a Mother who is grieving Please Be Gentle By Jill B. Englar Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask ‘why?’ At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. For...